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The Question: Today’s question came from my friend Kate. She said, “I just read your book and I absolutely love it! I’m going to buy 5 more copies to give as gifts to my other artist friends. Thank you. You did a really great job!” She went on to tell me that she and her husband have a small sailboat that they take tourists on sunset cruises with (they live in Key West) and that she would like to make it into her studio/gallery during the daytime. Apparently, her house is over run with paintings and art supplies. Her question was basically, ‘how do I get people to come and shop my boat’?

 The Answer: Miss Kate you’re so crafty! I love the idea of a floating, boat gallery. Now, since I’ve never been your boat, I’m not really sure what you mean by small. I’m wondering how much wall & display space you have? Anyway, I think the concept alone will make people come. The big deal is letting them know that you’re there & how to find you. I’m not sure exactly where your boat is, but I do know the docks can be confusing for land lubbers to navigate. I assume you’re in a high visibility local? That’s key. Once you’ve got that taken care of, try some of these ideas to draw attention and clients:

1. Use the mast for your signage: Order a banner or two, with grommets & text on the vertical, saying ‘Gallery’ or, ‘Whatever name, Gallery - come on aboard’, for example.
2. If there’s a regular art event in your area, hop on-board with them for the promotional bit of their art walk or whatever it is they do. If not, try to create one.
3. Get some easles that won’t tip over in turbulence and put another with a sign and/or a painting up on the dock, if they’ll let you.
4. Write a press release about the uniqueness of what you’re doing. Be sure to send pics of your art at 300dpi or better. If you need help with that, templates & tips are easy to find, by Googling ‘press release template’, for example.
5. If you can afford the space, try to show or feature other artists’ work as well. People have a tendancy to assume that once they’ve seen an artist’s work, that all new works will be the same. It’s important to give them fresh reasons to come back, continuously.
6. Be sure you have the appropriate licensing, insurance and merchant services. Also, if you’re going to run the art biz under the other biz’s name, be sure to do a DBA - that’s ‘Doing Business As’ it’ll only cost about $50 and keeps you legal. Call the city for instructions. I’m sure you probably already do have your legalities in order, because of the sunset sail biz, but I can’t stress this enough… An oversight - well, audits are bad. You feelin’ me on that?
7. Consider painting things that are appropriate to your audience, in order to increase sales. I’m not saying change who you are or anything, just that you will now have an audience of boat people. Ever painted boats? Hm. It’s a thought.
8. Printing postcards is way cheap these days, even though mailing them is not. You can find 500 postcards for around $100. I suggest you do that, using a pic or two of your work on it and leave stacks of them at appropriate nearby businesses - with their permission, of course.
9. The last thing that I can think of, is combination advertising. I imagine you already do some sort of advertising for the sail biz? If so, be sure to add a little blurb and hopefully, a pic about your art and the floating gallery. The cache of it’s uniqueness is sure to be a boost for both businesses - “Oooh! A sunset sail aboard a floating art gallery!” …. Sounds Awesome!

I hope this has been helpful to you, Miss Kate. I love what your doin’ and thank you for the kind words about my book! Be on the look out for my new column, coming ou tnext week in Conch Color, too. It’s called ’The Back Side’ It’s all about the good side of Key West locals (I love ‘em) and it sort of combats some of the complaining that we hear on our delightful little island (r u kidding??). It’ll be available online  too, at : www.conchcolor.com I hope you like it!

 The Question: Dear Annie,

You seem to have this dating world smoothly maneuvered and I seem to be thrashing in a sea of sharks, bleeding with a blindfold on. I hope you can help me.

Can you give some advice on evaluating men when you go out with them? What is your worthy-of-past-a-few-dates criteria? How do you not get snowed, lied to, walked on? And how do you actually get up the balls to try it again and again?

My heart has been crushed time and time again by things I saw in a person but did not trust myself to believe. How do you decide if it is your heart or your head to listen to?

And have you thought about writing a dating advice book? I loved your break up form letter by the way! Kind, but to the point.

Please help! Pam

 The Answer: You sweet, Baby-Face… I’m SO sorry. I know, more than most - how it hurts to have our little hearts stomped and eaten by a stream of sharks, but before I proceed, I want to be sure that I’m not misleading anybody. When I told my best friend about this question, she laughed, because this is such a big issue for me.

To be frank with you, if I knew how to be in a happy, fulfilling, love-relationship, I’d do it. I like to think that the reason I haven’t, is because I haven’t found the right one for me. I guess I’m making an assumption though. Your question was about dating & not getting your heart stomped - not about having a great relationship. So, I’m gonna start with what I think your looking for & finish with what you actually said… The stuff I know (or suspect), I gathered from the ’tire-tracks’ across my own back… trial & error- if you will (& I used to, quite a lot). I would be delighted if my experience could be helpful to you. So, here it is:

I was in the same situation as you. I think most chicks get in that place, because of things that happened when we were baby girls - you know, Daddy split, people made fun of us or, abused us in some way… everybody’s got something to whine about. Anyway, after years of taking it on the chin, again & again, I decided to stop dating & more importantly, stop giving my head space to men & try concentrating on myself, rather than the need/hope for the right mate.

Without boring you with too much of my own personal crap, I’ll just tell you the good stuff that I’ve learned (or suspect) so far:

1. I’ve decided that if I can already see the end, there’s no reason to begin. It doesn’t mean you need to lasso the next dude that takes you to dinner & hold him hostage for the rest of your life. It just means that if you know there’s not a chance of long term success, don’t bother. It’ll only lead to drama… This is not the popular way, it just happens to be the way I’ve found to keep the drama quotient low - on both sides. People who date for ‘free dinner’ or something to do are basically, using soemone & that never goes well.
2. Don’t succumb to peer pressure. The U.S. world expects us all to be married & subsequently, divorced by about 35ish. I personally am all about waiting for the right one. People marry because they’re afraid to wind up alone, or they think they need someone to take care of them, won’t find anyone better, etc… all kinds of things, but in my humble opinion, I really believe that the only reason to marry (if that happens to be your goal) is true love. After trying both ways, I’ve found that being alone really is MUCH better than being in a bad relationship or one of convenience.
3. I think true love is kinda like true friendship +++. It means ‘we are a team’ & ‘I will go out of my way to make sure that you feel good’. I’m not saying it’s a bed of roses, easy, or that being a butt-kiss is a good idea. I am saying that ’so glad you’re in my life & what can I do to make your day a little easier?’, and being treated at least as well as the friends are, should be a given, from both sides. If your guy isn’t that considerate in the beginning - well, it’s not gonna get any better. So, cut your losses & split.
4.  If he doesn’t make a seriously concerted effort to please you, in bed - run. If he ONLY makes a concerted effort to please you, in bed - RUN FASTER!!
5.  If you don’t have shared goals & common interests, it’s unlikely to work.
6. If you’re so broken hearted that somebody only has to look at you sideways, to make you cry… you ain’t ready (& btw: you’ll scare the living beejesus out of any poor, nice guy who comes your way). Trust me on this. The ArtSlut isn’t always the fun the fun one.
7. Anybody who can’t handle your honesty - when temperred with kindness (as it should be), is not the one. That doesn’t mean your nagging. It means letting soemone know the real you.
8. I personally think that all this crap about ‘the game’ is TOTAL crap. If a guy whips the 3 day rule on me, I am unlikely to see him again, because I already know that he’s a game player. Maintaining independence & not getting crazy attached right away is a great idea, but if you need to act like you don;t give a poo, for fear of scaring him away - he ain’t the one. The right one is ready to be there & if you’re ready, you will be too. I suspect that when we find the right one, being pursued will feel good, not invasive, clingy or whatever else.

I’m going to stop on #8, because it’s my favorite number & I’m aware that there’s a real chance that I don’t know wtf I’m talking about on this subject. Just the same, I do know all kinds of weird stuff about the art of love & the arts in general. I really hope that what I’ve said has been helpful & you’ll check out the book, too. There’s lots of good inspirational stuff in there. Please do, let me know about your progress. I am genuinely interested & hope to help.

Thank you for the letter Miss Pam & for the meanwhile, I hope you’re pouring your heart out on canvas or in song. I know it’ll get better if you’re true to yourself & honest with both you & them. If not, we’re both going down in flames!

 Kisses! (but not with tongue - I haven’t even met you & I’m so not gay - tee hee!)

Babs/Annie

 Ps. I almost forgot - If you really want to know how to date without getting your heart eaten-out… Survey SAYS!!!… become the heartless, cold, using person that you would never want to come into romantic contact with, yourself - You know, accept dates for free dinner, marry a man for money or, God forbid, looks & trap him into marriage with an un-planned pregnancy!… Just kidding! I know that’s not what anybody really wants. If you want to date around, just keep your legs closed, your eyes open & be honest & true to yourself & to them. Like I said, anybody who can’t handle that, just ain’t the one - be done with them & ready, when he actually does come along. I know he will.

Love ya, B

 The Question: Hey ArtSlut, I’ve got a question. I respect women to a fault, but I recently ran into an old friend that I hadn’t seen in years… There were drinks, I was on the heals of a breakup & next thing you know we spent the whole night talking. It was great & even though I knew I wasn’t ready for anything, I couldn’t help myself… I made a couple of dates with her, had long, amazingly personal talks & finally got her to have sex with me. Then, I realized I wasn’t over my ex. I felt bad, broke a date by text & proceeded to pretty much blew her off. Obviously, we shouldn’t have had sex.

 We both knew I wasn’t over it going in, but I feel bad, because when I did talk to her about it a little, she cried. She’s actually a sweet girl.  I even told her at one drunken point, that she was ‘the kind of girl I could fall in love with’… I don’t mean to be a dick, but I can’t take it right now. I made a mistake. I have to take care of myself. Anyway, she’s been trying to be ‘friends’ & I’ve been trying to get away. It feels bad & now I want to avoid her, altogether. I even told one of my friends to ask her out, but she wouldn’t go. What can I do to be done with it, so I can do what I’ve got to do?

  The Answer: Well, if she was already a friend & you had all those great talks, why don’t you just roll with that & try to keep being her friend? You’ll know pdq, if she’s gunning for more. I don’t want to hurt your feelings here, or make you feel less than special, but most chicks freak about rejection, abandonment & being used. THAT is usually the real issue - as opposed to the idea that she’s so in love with you & you need to run away. That’s really hurtful and to be honest, sounds kind of full of yourself. It’s clear that you want to be a good guy. So, my reccomendations are these:

1. First, do unto others as you would have them do unto you… If somebody hurt your feelings, like you know you did hers, I imagine you’d want them to act like they care, right? If they just gave you the hit it & quit it treatment- well, it’s selfish at best & can certainly be perceived as malicious. So, stand up & say to her what you said to me. She may even be able to become a closer friend out of the deal, if you let her. If she acts like a freaky cling-on, THEN kick her ass to the curb, but give her a chance.
2. Um, you told your friend to ‘hit it’ after you? That’s disgusting & extremely degrading to her. You owe her a HUGE, heartfelt apology. She probably feels like you think she’s the town pump. Is that what you wanted? Wow. Believe me, she’s wishing she hadn’t gotten it on with you, either.
3. Get more porn. Everybody’s horny, but casual sex never works out - especially between friends & especially when you add in intoxicants. Besides, who can come when they’re wasted? Oh yeah, guys can… Don’t forget, guys - ‘It ain’t over ’till everybody gets their cookies.” And, further more, if you really like some one, be sure to kiss them on the privates. People seem to like that a lot, but I digress.
4. Don’t fuck your friends…. Let me say it again: DON’T FUCK YOUR FRIENDS. The only way this ever works is if you let it grow over a long time. I’m just saying- don’t take it lightly, because they won’t & then, you’ll have more of a mess than just dirty sheets.
5. If you’re going to have casual sex, wrap it up & be sure to do so with a complete stranger that you’ll never, ever see again. It really cuts down on the drama, not that I’d know…
6. Last & most importantly, re-read & execute, item number one.

That’s all for now. I gotta go, because the boys are here for a game of Strip Crisco Twister for Shots! ….Just kidding. Everybody knows the ArtSlut is all talk. Thanks for the question. I hope this has been helpful to you and you’re feeling better soon. Now, go get my book for more of the straight dope on this kinda thing, as well as advice on your career as a visual artist. Love ya/mean it (it’s an expression. Don’t get scared!)

Best, Barb